My secret

What’s the one thing you like least about yourself? I admit to being fairly self-absorbed, and being that I write a daily blog about things that are often quite mundane, that’s sort of obvious. But I’m also generally a happy guy who likes his life. I’m married to an amazingly smart and beautiful woman who I love very much. I’m smart, I have friends, I have a good job, and I have all of the basics I need, plus plenty of the comforts that go way beyond that.

My secret is that I have a problem. A decidedly first world problem at that. You see, I eat too much. And not just occasionally. Food is some sort of crutch for me. I eat when I’m tired. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m happy. I eat way too much, way too often. I eat too much even at times when I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s too much that with all the hard training I’ve done, I’ve still managed not to lose substantial weight over the past few years and have even gained weight when I’ve stopped exercising.

Here’s an example. I was training last year for as much as several hours a day 5 or 6 days a week for a good part of last year to compete partcipate just barely finish in Timberman. And yet, there were times when I would eat way too much throughout last summer. And I knew I was doing it. Even when I knew I shouldn’t. I actually remember thinking to myself “Why am I eating like this?” A big part of me (specifically: my stomach) didn’t believe I was going to finish, and it decided that by eating too much I’d have an excuse.

While it might not exactly be a secret that I eat too much (as it is sort of the point of the blog to stop), that I feel shame about it probably is. I’m not easily embarrassed, but I’m so ashamed of my poor eating, I do it alone whenever I can. On nights when Rach is working late (say 6:30), I’ll stop for fast food at 5:30, sometimes eating a days worth of calories in a meal (not hard to do at Mcdonalds). It’s difficult when the tastes of the short term tastes of these (and other “comfort foods”) are something I really enjoy. Even when I know afterwards I won’t feel comforted at all by either the way my body feels, or the way my mind/heart feel knowing how I just ate.

My whole season relies on being able to not eat like this anymore. And I’m going to do it.

5 thoughts on “My secret”

  1. You have a lot of courage to look that in the face and admit there's a problem. I admire that & that you've achieved some incredible things (make no mistake, "barely finishing" a HIM is pretty incredible!) in athletics. As a(n obese) total newbie I find you really inspiring! So like THAT about yourself too!

  2. Total trenchdigger u are, not concerned with the masses, but will go back for the one. This blog and your transparency just gave someone strength the didn't know they had. Anything hidden has power over us and in the Handmaiden world this is a *screw u freak face devil moment* Thanks for the encouragement and always writing for the 1.

  3. Barb – Thanks. You were my first commenter I think, so you've seen me through more than a few ups and downs.

    Ms Duffy – Thanks. I like a lot of things about myself but my food willpower isn't one of them.

    hhh – That's one of the nice things about the blog, is that even when I'm having rough times by writing about it hopefully it will reinforce someone elses strength

    Derek – Thanks bud. I miss reading about your training!

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